Tuesday, March 23, 2010

today and yesterday have both been days where i have lost. it started out in british literature class, when i got my midterm back. i was pretty sure that i had gotten a B on it, so you can imagine my surprise/horror when i looked at my grade and saw a big fat 64% written in blue ink. i panicked and wanted to cry because  i haven't gotten a 64% on an exam since my statistics class my junior year of high school. luckily, my dear professor susan made a mathematical error in counting up my missed points, and i really earned a 70%. that's right, a C-. please shoot me now. i don't know if this is some big joke or something, because when i decided to ask my parents to pay $11,000 to send me to london for the semester, i didn't think their money would go towards me spending 4 hours a night studying inside. but apparently that's what this program believes in, and if you can't already tell, it bothers me. i keep waiting for the professors to gather us together and tell us that we've been punk'd and we're all getting 100 extra credit points per class. but that's probably not going to happen. i had heard from so many girls who had done study abroad programs before and they all said not to worry about grades, that the classes were super easy, and it was a guaranteed 4.0. well, i can tell you that this semester i will not be earning straight A's. maybe i'm just an idiot and i should stop trying to blame my grade on the program. but i refuse to believe i'm an idiot.
so anyway, after getting this lovely score, we all had tickets to see a violin concert by some famous lady. i was bitter and not in the mood, and sorry if i am sounding ignorant right now, but her music was completely cacophonous. it was angry and abrupt. i was not a fan. 
now, when i have bad days, i deal with them in the following manner:
1. shop my feelings.
2. eat my feelings.
3. call my mom/boyfriend and vent my feelings.
4. run out my feelings.
considering my mom and my boyfriend are thousands of miles away across the pond and i'm making a conscious effort to not destroy my figure with chocolate and i will do mostly anything before i run, i went shopping. i went shopping big time. and it felt so good. i bought two pairs of shoes, a dress, a blazer, two shirts, and a travel bag for 69 pounds. and i know i sound ridiculous saying this, but after the lady at the register swiped my platinum visa and she handed me that bag of beautiful, shiny new things that made me feel pretty and flirty and happy, my day got infinitely better. retail therapy is real. 
i woke up this morning and tried to make it a better day. i talked to my boyfriend for a while, i ate a healthy breakfast, i went to mythology and shakespeare class, and then as i was taking care of business, aka checking my email, during religion, i was overcome with serious anxiety because i have to register for fall classes in a few weeks. i got on route y and looked at all of the ridiculous classes i have to take and i felt overwhelmed. big time. i have so much to do, and so little time it seems. one deadline for my major program is in september, and i have three classes to take before i can apply, so i can either take them all in spring and summer and get in for fall, or i can work this summer and prepare for my future and not be able to apply for my program until winter. i just don't know what is best for me. that seems to be my biggest trial in life these days. choosing between good and better and best. and i know it's nothing to complain about really, i have so many awesome options and incredible opportunities, but sometimes i feel so unqualified to be making such adult decisions. when did i grow up?
with all of this stress, i decided to go on a run because i shopped yesterday, my boyfriend was asleep, and my mom is probably sick of dealing with my anxiety attacks, and i still refuse to binge on nutella. so i put on my pink nikes and put in my ipod and walked to hyde park and then my ipod died on the first song. great. so i ran with just my thoughts for a while, still worrying about my gpa and the fact that i am not freaking out about the healthcare bill (is there something wrong with me?) and then a bug flew into my eyelashes. i took this as a sign. first the ipod, then the bug, and so i sat down on a bench for a while. and i was still for a couple minutes. i thought about my david, and my family, and school, and my future career, and how right now it seems impossible to balance and accomplish everything i want to, but when i look at the big picture, all of this pressure is so insignificant. there is a plan for me, and things are going to work out in whatever way is best for me. 
i am grateful for my maker, and for His hand in my life, and for the knowledge i have that ultimately, all will be well. 


shawna said...

no, i am not sick of your anxiety attacks...i will just keep telling you the same thing to remedy it all.

Marilyn said...

Ok-first of all, anyone who told you foreign studies were easy LIED. Sorry if it was a good friend. Second, and this will sound very strange coming from a teacher, but grades don't really count for much. It's what's inside that matters and you are having some fantastic experiences to make you a different person than you were before you got there. Things will work out.
Aunt Marilyn

Jared and Katy said...

I love this post Emma, it is real, raw, and beautiful...hope things are going better. I sure am enjoying London through you!