miss emma.

i'm not going to lie, the johnson family has experienced happier thanksgiving breaks. thanksgiving used to mean flying home to a warm, happy, energetic household full of people i love. thanksgiving break used to mean a 4 hour meal at the st. regis in laguna niguel, complete with pancake bar, sushi bar, and full traditional turkey buffet. thanksgiving used to be one of my favorite times of year, and now thanksgiving is nothing but a painful reminder of what i used to have.

since my thanksgiving break consisted of nothing but sitting on the couch, family feuds (not the game show) and being lonely, i had a lot of time to think about how i grew up. exceedingly blessed is an understatement for the kind of life i've lived, which makes the divorce and dissolution of my family that much harder.

i'm still struggling to accept that this is my life; that this is the hand i've been dealt, this is what the Lord knew i needed to grow and progress. it's hard to imagine that this kind of pain, hurt, and destruction could possibly be good for me or anyone. and it's even harder for me to think that my parents chose this pain, they chose to destroy our family. 

due to my personal circumstances and the week i spent at "home", i've had a lot of time to think about my future marriage and my future family. i know i'm not going to have a perfect life, and i know i'm going to continue to go through hard things, but i know for sure that divorce is not an option for me. i refuse to allow my marriage to fall apart and i refuse to put my kids through anything like what i've been through. i think my dad said it best when he sincerely and apologetically said, "you don't deserve to come from a broken home." he's right, i don't, and my siblings don't either. 

so this is my personal promise, in writing, to my kids who don't even exist yet, that they will not come from a broken family. it's simply not an option for me because they don't deserve that. 

that being said, here are some snapshots of thanksgiving day, which was by far the best day of the week. we spent thanksgiving with my dad and his sweet girlfriend yvonne, who is so kind and gracious and warm. i don't know if she reads this blog, but if you do yvonne, i can't find words to thank you enough for your hospitality and sincerity and love. thank you thank you.

disclaimer: i realize that this post is kind of a pity-party, but this is my blog, and i can say whatever i want on it.